Troop 18 Read online

  Kate.

  Andy’s body caught up to her brain, and she stumbled, knees locked, the muscles in her thighs and calves tightening as if they suddenly no longer wanted to support her body. A few more uncontrolled steps down the path, then Andy stopped abruptly, the most un-athletic movement she could remember making in a very long time. She really didn’t care.

  Kate walked up the path toward Andy, her movements slow but purposeful. Andy had nothing, no thoughts, no ability to think or move. Kate stopped a few feet away, close enough for Andy to see the expression on her face, though she couldn’t see the warm brown of her eyes in the darkness. Kate was looking at Andy like she had outside Headquarters just a few days before, her expression a combination of relief, resolve, and caution.

  Andy waited, her instincts warring with each other. To touch Kate, to hold her. To throw her guard up, ward off whatever this was. To speak first, to not speak at all. To repeat the last words Andy had said to her before she left two months ago. I love you, Kate. Andy kept her mouth closed, breathed in and out. And she studied Kate.

  Her face had lost the slight, soft roundness of a few months ago, the hollowness of her cheeks emphasizing the sweet shape of her mouth. She was wearing a green winter jacket, the orange liner in the hood the only colour still visible in the rapidly descending dark. Kate held Andy’s eyes, shifting slightly, like she wanted to take a step closer to Andy, but she stopped herself. As Kate moved, Andy heard the creak of stiff denim and noticed the new jeans Kate was wearing. She’d lost enough weight that she’d needed to buy new clothes, something she hated.

  A cold wind suddenly gusted up from behind Andy, making her rock slightly onto her toes. The chill went right through her sweatshirt and danced uncomfortably across her skin as she just managed to stop herself from shivering. The wind had picked up Kate’s loose hair, twirling it around her face until she lifted an impatient hand to push it away. Andy became suddenly aware of how long they had been looking at each other.

  Over the last fifty-five days, Andy had not allowed herself to picture their reunion. She had not considered what they might say to each other or how it would feel. Even still, Andy could not imagine they would have gone this long without touching. Not if Kate was coming back to her. This time Andy did shiver, the cold settling suddenly and quickly over her entire body, the feeling of dread making it so much worse.

  Kate seemed to notice Andy shiver. She blinked, gave her head a small shake, and lifted her chin. “I thought maybe we should talk,” Kate said, her voice almost too soft to hear. Andy watched her swallow, could almost hear her pull in a bigger breath as she tried again. “Before I start tomorrow, I thought we should talk.”

  Talk, yes, Andy thought, but she could only manage a nod of her head and another shiver. The wind wasn’t letting up. Kate’s eyes narrowed in concern. Andy thought her heart would break.

  “Is there somewhere we can go? It’s freezing out here,” Kate said.

  Andy looked back toward the house where the warm, inviting glow of the windows spilled over into the yard. No privacy there. Without attaching any thought to it, Andy glanced over the meadow where they were standing, the path branching off to the right, the small cabin set amongst the trees.

  “Yes, follow me.” Andy hated the sound of her own voice. It was commanding, falling back into the safety of her sergeant role. As she and Kate walked together down the short path, Andy also hated the distance between them, the empty air, the cold anger that now stirred in her belly. The silence seemed heavy and endless.

  The cabin was small with a wide front porch that looked out over the meadow. The wood siding fit solidly and imperfectly, creating a natural look that blended in with the forest at its back. Andy walked up the steps first and opened the screen door, knowing Kurtz and Tara left it unlocked. The room was dark and cold, and Andy had to grope around the inside wall, hitting the switch and waiting for the eco-friendly lights to come on. Andy held the door for Kate, carefully avoiding touching her as she passed. Still, Andy was unable to avoid feeling the warmth, the sparked heat of familiarity and desire that shook through her.

  The cabin was open-concept, a queen size bed in the far corner, positioned under a small window, its patchwork green comforter stiff and new. A sitting area with a plush love seat overlooked the front porch. The right side of the cabin was half gleaming eat-in kitchen and half woodstove, its polished glass pane showing an already stocked wood pyramid, ready to be lit.

  Without a word to Kate, Andy went to the woodstove, her shoes squeaking wetly on the wide wood floorboards. She opened the wood box and added a few pieces of kindling, more to give her hands something to do than anything else. She struck a long wooden match against the cylinder box and the flame at the tip dimmed, diminished then finally caught on a dry sliver of wood.

  Finally satisfied the flame had caught, Andy stood and faced Kate. Kate was framed by the window, her arms wrapped around her torso. Andy said nothing, stood perfectly still, and waited.

  “It was selfish of me not to give you the chance to say this was a bad idea,” Kate said, fidgeting with the sleeve of her jacket. “I called Heath just to find out about his offer, but he only gave me three days to decide about joining the RCMP…” Kate’s voice was light and jumpy. She looked down at the floor like she was re-listening to what she just said. “Every day of the last two months has been selfish.” Her voice was low, and Andy recognized her self-recrimination. “Somehow, I thought ambushing you twice in the same weekend was a good idea.”

  Andy couldn’t let this go. She had to make something clear.

  “I’m glad you’re here, Kate,” she said, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice.

  Kate’s brown eyes softened at the words, though she wrapped her arms even more tightly around her body. It was an unconsciously protective gesture, and Andy could not figure out what this all meant. Confused and frustrated, Andy waited.

  “I wanted to come back with a plan, to have things sorted out and decided. To have made some decisions about my life completely on my own,” Kate said, her eyes on Andy. “I never imagined finding someone like you. When I did, when I fell in love with you, I trusted you to know and understand things about myself I didn’t share with anyone. About losing my sister, my career, my sexuality. You seemed to have this incredible capacity to carry it all, and you seemed to do it so easily.”

  Kate stopped again, and Andy knew by the way she lifted her chin slightly, the way her voice shook that Kate was fighting back tears. “So I let you carry it all. But that left me with so little, I got lost. And getting lost wasn’t even the worst part. Because then I started to worry about how much more lost it was possible to get and how long I was going to expect you to carry around all the crap that I refused to deal with.” Kate swallowed. “And I thought about how long until you would have become angry with me, until you lost your patience. Until you decided I wasn’t worth it.”

  Andy shook her head, jaw tight, hands clenched into fists at her side. She felt the locked ball of anger in her stomach start to slowly spread through her body. It wasn’t aimed at Kate, but it could no longer be contained. Andy shook with it, trembled slightly as if with cold, though the fire was now beginning to warm the room.

  Kate smiled sadly. “I know what you’re thinking. That it’s not possible. That you would never have grown tired of me or impatient. But did you ever think it was possible I could walk away from you? I didn’t.”

  A long silence. Kate seemed calmer, as if talking to Andy was making it easier to breathe. Andy’s tension had only increased, her back and shoulders tight with strain.

  “I know why you had to leave,” Andy said.

  “I did have to leave. I was a mess. After I left you in Hidden Valley, I stayed on my mother’s couch for three days and cried. Then she kicked me out. She told me I was upsetting Tyler, and if I had any intention of ever pulling myself together enough to deserve you, I should go back to my apartment, go back to work, and maybe seek some help
to sort through some significant issues.”

  Andy very much wished she could smile, even a little, at the lecture Kate had received from her mother. She could picture it clearly, Marie’s stern practicality masking the maternal worry. She could picture Tyler watching from the corner, his eyes brown and wide like his aunt’s, taking in everything like he always did.

  “So that’s what I did,” Kate said. “I spent all my time either at work or at counselling. I wasn’t very good at counselling at first.” She smiled, and Andy felt her body go numb. God, she loved that smile. “Well, that’s an understatement. I was shockingly bad at it. But I kept going. It was important.” Kate lifted her head almost defiantly, as if daring her to confirm it or deny it.

  Andy said nothing, didn’t move, barely breathed. Uncertainty and doubt pounded through her body with every kick of her heart. She couldn’t be sure if this was a confession or an offering, a picture painted of where Kate had been and where she was now, to see if it would be acceptable. As if anything about Kate could ever be considered unacceptable. Andy felt a tremor in her stomach. Too much anger. Undirected, diffuse. She’d had enough. She needed to know.

  “Do you still love me?”

  The words were out of Andy’s mouth before she’d really had the time to consider them. Her heart beat rapidly, and Andy had that sensation again that it was visible and exposed. But Kate did not hesitate with her answer, though her eyes were soft and sad and her voice was very, very low.

  “Yes, Andy. I love you very much.”

  Elation, relief, fear.

  “Then why are you standing so far away?” Andy didn’t even try to keep the desperation out of her voice.

  Kate dropped her arms to her sides and slowly closed the distance between them, stopping just in front of Andy. Andy’s body reacted as it always had to Kate standing this close to her, heat and warmth and desire and gentleness and intensity. Always.

  “I need something from you,” Kate said steadily, holding Andy’s gaze.

  Anything. Andy wanted to say it out loud. Her brain shouted it, her diaphragm tightened, throat constricted. Breathe, control, breathe. She said nothing, letting her eyes ask the question. What?

  “I need you to forgive me.”

  No. Andy felt the wave of anger crash against her barrier of control. No, not forgiveness. She had nothing to forgive. Andy looked at Kate hard, letting the anger diffuse around her, as if Kate was an island to be protected.

  “No.” Andy said it very quietly and very firmly.

  “Yes, actually,” Kate responded calmly. “You’re angry at me, or you should be. And I know I just made you wait two months, and I know it’s unfair. But I refuse to wait six months or a year for you to accept that you’re not only angry at me but you should be and you can be.”

  This was wrong, so wrong. Andy’s body shook with the overwhelming intensity of her anger. She would do anything for Kate, was ready for anything. But this…not this. It went against every protective instinct she had ever had about Kate. Andy understood the resolve now and if she thought about it, she understood the uncertainty. Not knowing if Andy could or would forgive her. Kate was waiting her out, holding still, stubbornly not backing down. Andy had never been with anyone who understood her so well, who could stand up to her like this and absolutely refuse to give any ground.

  “Do you know what the hardest part about the last two months has been?” Kate said quietly. She stood so close, Andy could feel the brush of breath against her neck. “Knowing you were blaming yourself. Knowing I was getting help and support and you were walking around punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.”

  And so quickly Andy was angry at Kate. Very angry. How could she? If Kate knew her so well, how could she do this to her? Andy lifted her hands and gripped Kate’s face. Her touch was not gentle, soft, or reassuring. But she needed to hold her there, to direct the torrent somewhere.

  “Fine. I’m angry. I’m angry you didn’t listen to me. I’m angry you ignored me for months before you left, that you brushed off any suggestion I ever made to stop for one fucking moment and just think about what you’ve been through. I’m angry you lied to me for so long about how you were really doing. I’m pissed off about every time you told me you were fine.”

  Andy’s voice was getting progressively louder, her hands clenched tightly around Kate’s face. Kate didn’t even try to look away. “I’m angry you would even suggest I wouldn’t do anything for you, that I could ever decide you weren’t worth it. I know why you had to leave. I know you needed time, but I’m furious that you let me walk around for fifty-five days not knowing anything. And I’m angry…” Andy stopped and swallowed the hard ball lodged in her throat. She could feel Kate’s pulse and the muscles in her face tremble. She knew with absolute certainty Kate was stopping herself from crying. Andy felt the fight start to ebb and her voice dropped. “I’m angry because the last time we made love, you only did it to hide from me.”

  Kate did cry now, the tears filling her eyes and spilling over down her cheeks, running down Andy’s fingers. But she didn’t look away, didn’t contradict any of what Andy had just said. Even so, Andy could hear her thoughts. From me, Andy. I was hiding from me.

  And suddenly the anger was gone. She felt empty, depleted, and she dropped her hands. “And I forgive you. For all of it.” Andy gave it to her, not enough energy left to wonder how Kate had taken from her the one thing she thought she wouldn’t have to give. Not knowing if she’d just given Kate permission to leave or stay.

  Kate closed her tear-filled eyes and collapsed into Andy’s arms. Andy automatically caught her, sliding one hand around her waist, reaching the other up into Kate’s hair drawing her in until they were pressed together. The heat between them was real, intense, having nothing to do with their layers of clothes or the now crackling fire behind them.

  Andy could feel Kate’s arms around her, Kate’s breath on her neck where she’d buried her head, the length of her body pressed against Andy’s. They stood very still but not even long enough for Andy to actually believe Kate was here in her arms. Kate pulled back slightly, but she only dropped her hands to Andy’s hips, using them as leverage to shift her body upward, searching for Andy’s lips with her own. Andy lowered her head and kissed Kate, her heart beating the familiar, rapid-fire rhythm that always accompanied Kate’s touch. As the kiss deepened, as Kate’s hands pressed against her lower back, Andy couldn’t help wondering if her lips had always felt this soft. Had kissing Kate always felt like she was spinning so wildly, so willingly out of control?

  Yes, yes, yes.

  Andy and Kate kissed exactly like they had just spent the last fifty-five days apart. Kate dug her fingers into Andy’s hips through the light fabric of her running gear as she tried to pull Andy in closer, trying to defy physics, to occupy the same space at once. Andy held Kate tighter, her lips never stopping the rhythm of their kiss, leaning Kate back slightly in her arms, shifting her weight so they were balance and counterbalance. Kate pulled back just for a moment, caught Andy’s eye and something passed between them, something Kate was trying to tell her but then they were kissing again and Andy didn’t have to think, no room for questions. She could feel everything Kate was trying to tell her with her kiss. Love, relief, and that same warmth in her chest. Andy knew what it was: belonging. Desire, for both of them, always. And as Kate wound her fingers around Andy’s neck, she felt something else. Promise.

  Andy froze, a cold line of uncertainty shooting up through her belly. Kate must have felt it. Her eyes flew open, her hands dropped to her sides, and she shifted her weight abruptly until she was standing on her own. But she didn’t move away. Andy, holding perfectly still, had enough presence of mind to be grateful for that. Kate waited, both of them breathing hard, Andy not entirely sure what had just happened. Promise. Andy hated the cold twist of doubt in her stomach, the look of sadness in Kate’s eyes. But apparently she needed something from Kate, too.

  “If it hap
pens again,” Andy started, her voice coming out harsher than she intended, sounding loud in the small cabin. “If you start to feel lost. What will you do if it happens again?”

  A spasm of pain crossed Kate’s face, and Andy waited for Kate’s familiar, automatic reaction of shrugging off the impact, discarding the hurt without processing it first, and finding the easiest, most direct route past the discomfort. It never materialized. Andy watched as Kate took a breath then let it out slowly.

  “When it happens again, Andy,” Kate said quietly, like a confession. “I’m fighting over a decade’s worth of bad habits here.” Another breath. “When it happens again, I’ll tell you. And I’ll do whatever it takes to deal with it.”

  A wild, surging hope filled Andy’s chest. All she’d ever wanted to hear was that Kate was looking out for herself. That she cared enough to try. That at least some of the energy Kate expended on everyone around her could be turned inward also.

  Andy held still, trying to order her chaotic, scattered thoughts. The uncertainty and doubt were gone, replaced by joy and outrage. Words piled up in Andy’s head, confessions of love and wanting. A lecture. Cursing.

  Andy put her hands to Kate’s face again, so gently this time, thumbs brushing along her cheekbones. “I love you, Kate.” She had so much more to say, but Andy wasn’t sure she could get it out. “I love you, I love you…”

  Kate made a small, almost desperate sound in the back of her throat, her brown eyes filled with tears again. She touched her fingers to Andy’s lips, and drew a line down her jaw, her throat, to the back of her neck. Then she gently pulled the elastic from Andy’s ponytail, twisted her fingers into Andy’s tangled hair and sighed as if she’d been waiting a very long time to do that. Andy felt the pads of Kate’s fingers against her scalp, and she remembered the first time Kate had touched her like this. Desire sparked like a struck match, and Andy was kissing Kate again, tilting her head back and kissing down the long line of her throat, up to her ear, tugging at her ear with her teeth. She heard Kate drawing in her breath, could feel her fingers in her hair, down her neck, Kate drawing the line of her collarbone under her sweatshirt.